May10

3 things I never knew about Montreal

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3 things I never knew about Montreal

Some things I never knew about Montreal, which have recently enlightened my thinking:

  1. Hunter S. Thompson visited my alma mater, Concordia University, way back in 1985. He had this to say about the experience:

    2. As far as the French Separatists are concerned, with any luck at all, Reagan will go belly up when he meets Gorbachev in Geneva this week and Washington will be seized by a cabal of crazed generals in the style of Dr. Strangelove. The colossus to the South will be paralyzed by fear and greed, paving the way for a takeover by truffle-eating wine-sucking anarchists […] I left for the airport immediately, feeling lucky to get out of the country without being flogged.

    The quote is from “The Beast With Three Backs,” in Generation of Swine: Tales of Shame and Degradation in the ’80s, for those interested.

    That pretty much sums up Quebec political thinking, for me (minus the flogging, which is more Quebec-style sexual thinking). But then again, Quebeckers did just vote NDP over their usual Bloc Quebecois (by a landslide) in the most recent election last week, so maybe the times they are a-changing?

  2. My former (not-so) arch nemesis, Montreal sex columnist Sasha, recommends Slippery Stuff lube.

    3. Why does this matter? Well, maybe it doesn’t, although a friend recently asked if I’d tried the Stuff, and I said I had no experience with it, but having Googled a bit, I discovered that it’s been recommended by medical professionals for at least two decades. And it comes in a gel form (as opposed to a liquid) that’s “specifically designed to stay where you put it.” That’s certainly unique, and may end up working its way into my novel. (BTW: you can order the Stuff on Amazon.com if you’re curious.)

  3. And, rounding things out with a little gratuitous nudity, here’s a photo of French actress Emmanuelle Beart with a Montreal connection, via the always-enlightening Coolopolis.

    4. Click the pic to read the story at Coolopolis!

Apr20

69% complete!

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69% complete!

Because the Beavis & Butthead in me can’t resist: My novel is 69% complete!

Huh-huh-huh. You said “69″!

It’s an erotic novel, people. About French people from Montreal, who basically invented soixante-neuf (at least according to Sacha Baron Cohen’s French Formula One racer, Jean Girard, in Talladega Nights). If anything calls for a little gutter humor, it’s reaching the 69% point.

Got any climaxes of your own to celebrate today?

Mar30

Anticrastination Scribproductivathon

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Anticrastination Scribproductivathon

(Originally posted 3/29/2011 at Buttontapper.com)

My writing collective, We Put Words On Paper, is currently holding a writing marathon/lock-in. It’s called the Anticrastination Scribproductivathon, and this is its third incarnation (though my first attendance), subtitled “Scrib Hard With a Vengeance.”

We’re on hour 6 or so, and had planned to go for at least 8 hours of writing, writing exercises and plotting world domination.

So far, we’ve done two writing exercises (one that I found went well for me, one that didn’t), and written for an hour and a half straight on our various individual products. We’re in the middle of our second longer writing session, and we’ve got some Explosions in the Sky Radio on to keep the fingers typing. I decided to write up this blog, as I’m a bit stuck as to where to take my scene next, having actually ended the first block of our writing time on a cliffhanger in my novel.

What next?

I guess what’s bugging me right now about the scene is that I’ve set up my character to be in some type of danger. And I know that, realistically, the piece must take her to and through this danger. She must be up against this particular conflict. She will survive, but she will not be on top in this scene. It’s hard for me to do that to this character, because I like her and want her story to be funny and upbeat and something people can identify with—it’s not being downtrodden or a bummer. And this scene? This scene IS a bummer. It’s going to be a bummer to write, and probably a bummer to read. But it’s going to move the plot forward.

"Kill your darlings" (image by Flickr user Erwin Fisser)

I have a problem with having bad things happen to good people. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s my version of poetic justice, trying to protect the “good ones” from harm. But I know that conflict is often made up of the bad things that happen to good people, and the resulting story is what those people do to adapt, to cope, to make it through, to understand, to survive and to thrive.

I think it’s because I want the story to be amusing or comedic overall that I’m having a tough time writing the tragic scenes. They are certainly necessary; I’m not going to torture this character for no reason, after all. But I prefer to write the funny scenes, for sure.

Strange, coming from someone who used to write plenty of stories that wallowed in misery. I guess I need to channel that old way of thinking, at least for a few moments, to get through this scene.

How do you deal with the need to murder (or at least maim) your darlings?

Mar23

Celebrating the halfway point

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Celebrating the halfway point

You’ve got to celebrate the milestones, and since I’ve just crossed the halfway point in my first draft (actually, my word counter says I’m 51% done, w00t!), I feel like shouting it from the rooftops.

Instead, you have this blog post.

MY NOVEL’S HALFWAY DONE!!!!!!!!!!

Tell the world. I’ll be on the couch, banging out another 510 words today, so as to keep rolling towards completion.

Wish me luck!

Mar17

What I’ve been doing (besides writing my novel)

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What I’ve been doing (besides writing my novel)

It’s been a while since I posted (as a Kindle subscriber recently pointed out), and it’s high time for an update!

The bad news is: I haven’t been writing on a daily basis, as I should be.

(And no, it's not because of this... although I've always wanted a hollow book for hiding things.)

The good news is: It’s because I’ve started a new job!

I don’t want to say too much about the new job, for the moment, but suffice to say that it’s a nice change of pace. Also, I may start blogging for them eventually, so if I do, I will undoubtedly link the heck out of it.

In the meantime, I’m working on a variety of projects (as usual), and my writing group just held an awesome little SouthBy shindig we called the SXSCongress Word Party, which went really well, so hopefully we’ll be holding more of them soon!

I’m also trying out the idea of digital issues over at Black Heart, so I invite my readers who are also writers to submit to our NOIR Issue. I’m going to put up a list of upcoming themes for these quarterly issues shortly, so if there’s a subject you’re keen to see in the magazine, by all means let me know!

I’ve got a few other ideas simmering at the moment, and when I get them all worked out, you’ll be the first to hear about ‘em.

And now, back to writing my novel!

Feb4

How to write a novel

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How to write a novel

There’s a great post over at Men With Pens today on the subject of writing a novel, entitled “How to Dig Up the Bones of Your Unwritten Novel.” It’s by Graham Strong, who blogs on a daily (!) basis at A Few Strong Words (get it?) about how his novel is progressing. He’s currently on his second draft, so I’m going to have to tune in and see if he’s got helpful hints for me as I finish up my first draft, hopefully by the time Spring hits.

As far as my own novel goes, Naked Montreal has definitely become fun again, thanks to some suggestions from a new writing group I’ve joined (pending their two-meeting approval!), something that was lacking when I was trying to force myself to write too many words per day and really slog through it like some NaNoWriMo-esque word-count challenge.

As Graham mentions, while you should commit to writing every day, you shouldn’t force yourself to write too much every day. He says he wrote only an hour each day on his first draft, which kept him interested in what he was writing and prevented burn-out. You wouldn’t think a writer could burn out on something that’s supposed to be fun, but I think he’s right; if you view the process too much like work, you’ll lose your muse. So keep writing, but don’t overwrite and turn your wild and crazy first draft into something angina-inducing.

Oh, and speaking of inducing angina, my writer friend AV Flox has always used the phrase to describe things that drive her a bit crazy. I always assumed she’d write a book one day called “The Angina Monologues.” So imagine my surprise when I saw this:

Needless to say, she wasn’t pleased when I told her of my discovery. Damn you, South Africa, for stealing AV’s thunder!

Oh, and did you notice this author has another book called “The Karma Suture”? MEMO: The original is called the Kama Sutra and not the Karma Sutra. Playing on “sutra” vs. “suture” as an MD joke works, but mistaking “Kama” for “Karma” just makes you (and your editors, and publisher) look uneducated—and on a very easily Googled title.

So kids, if you want to write a novel, remember 3 things:

  1. Write every day.
  2. Don’t OVERWRITE your first draft.
  3. Clever titles can backfire, so pick one that makes you look subtly brilliant instead. Something like, say, Naked Montreal.

Follow these 3 simple steps and you’ll be on the road to success in no time!

Feb3

Jour de la marmotte, AKA Funny French-Canadianisms

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Jour de la marmotte, AKA Funny French-Canadianisms

When I was living in Montreal, all of my daily planners were bilingual. This is how I came to discover that “Groundhog Day” was known in French-Canada as “Jour de la marmotte.”

This is pretty hilarious in and of itself, but if you’re a fan of The Big Lebowski, you are probably already thinking about aquatic mammals and freaking marmots, which are actually ferrets owned by a bunch of German nihilists, and wondering Are these guys Nazis?

No, Donny, these men are nihilists. Nothing to be afraid of.

<<Bonne Jour de la Marmotte!>> dit Punxsutawney Phil

Anyway, the marmotte to end all marmottes, Punxsutawney Phil, apparently did NOT see his shadow today, indicating that warmer temps are coming soon. Which is good news, because while I have been missing Montreal, I have definitely NOT been missing its scary, snowy winters and -40 (and colder) temps! This week in Austin going from a balmy 70 to a frigid 20 (F) has been quite enough, thanks, and I am really hoping that rumors of snow for tomorrow turn out to be just that.

Seriously, Phil, could you do something about this crazy cold snap? Thanks, buddy.

Jan30

Naked Montreal: The Cocktail

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Naked Montreal: The Cocktail

I shall now teach you how to make a Naked Montreal—a drink I have just invented because every great book needs its own cocktail. Particularly when the launch parties begin!

Round up the following ingredients:

  • Frozen Canadian vodka (preferably Polar Ice or Iceberg, although Dan Akroyd’s pricey Crystal Head is also permissable)
  • Cranberry juice
  • Cointreau or Triple Sec
  • Limes

What’s that you say? This is sounding like a Cosmopolitan? That’s because it is… with a twist. Follow these instructions to make the drink properly:

  1. Combine 2 ounces of vodka with 1 ounce of cranberry juice and half an ounce of Cointreau/Triple Sec and a squeeze of lime in a shaker with ice.
  2. Shake vigorously, while making extremely sexual eye-contact with your targeted lover for the evening. Be sure to undress them and fuck them fast and furious with your naked eyeballs as you shake the drink. Let them know they are in for something both sordid and sweet, after which they will be forever changed.
  3. Pour the ingredients slowly and longingly into a “swinger” martini glass, comme ça:
    … and sip your Naked Montreal just slowly enough to intrigue the object of your affections, who will now want one of his or her own.
  4. Make a second cocktail for your lover, allow him or her to consume the drink as you continue your eye-fucking; then, head back to your place (or the nearest alley) for a deliciously dirty shag.

NOTE: If your intended partner for the evening does not return your advances, do not ruin the moment by asking for his or her phone number or making your already obvious intentions “more clear” by asking if they’d like to shag. This would be, as we say in Franglais, totalment inappropriate.

Jan26

12 girls, 24 titties, 13,537 words

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12 girls, 24 titties, 13,537 words

My novel is 27% complete, according to my Scribometer.

Oops, that should read WORDS, not PAGES!

Currently, the plan involves putting a minimum of 500 words on paper per weekday (Mon-Thurs), and 1,500 words on paper per weekend day (Fri-Sun), so I can finish this first draft in a month and a half if I stick with it.

Today I wrote 930 words. And I may go for the glory and do another round after lunch, just to really nail it.

I find meeting a word count so much more satisfying than crossing the day off with an X. I think it’s because when you break the chain, you’re back at zero again, and that is FAR more depressing than having to make up for lost word-counts with extra writing on the day after you slack. Don’t you agree?

For shits & giggles, here’s a quote from what I was working on today:

Out front the bouncer doubles as the guy trying to sweet-talk you big lugs into coming into the club and shelling out your hard-earned cash on some damn dames. His line? “12 girls, 24 titties! Yes, that’s TWENTY-FOUR TITTIES!”

I always wonder what might happen if he yelled “12 girls, TWENTY-FIVE TITTIES!” instead.

Jan14

Naked Montreal update, 1-14-2011

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Naked Montreal update, 1-14-2011

As I said in a forthcoming article I wrote for Peevish Penman, I’ve instituted a personal policy for the new year with regards to my novel, Naked Montreal. In order to see results and learn from my mistakes, I’ve decided to post weekly check-ins to keep myself on track. This constitutes the first of these check-ins, and while I was hoping for a glorious gloat-fest, unfortunately, this was not meant to be.

You see, Dear Reader, I am a hopeless procrastinator when it comes to writing my daily quota of words. Or, perhaps more correctly, I just have far too many projects going on at once. Never one to be pigeonholed into any specific writing niche, genre or set of ideas, I’ve always got multiple writing projects circulating at once. Writing for business vs pleasure; writing for myself vs others; writing blogs vs poetry vs chapters in my novel… the list could go on, but you get the idea.

While I have kept my entries at Don’t Break the Chain up to date, my writing for Naked Montreal has been haphazard at best. See my progress, illustrated in glorious green, below:

Sad. Actually, I was doing pretty well last week, dammit. Why didn’t I start my check-ins then?!

So, yes, this week was a chain-breaking FAIL. Do as I say, not as I do. BUT! Notice that today has been marked off, as I am writing my scenes as soon as I finish this little update. (I swear!)

Some things to keep in mind when noveling, which I have learned from my chain-breaking failures this week:

  1. Don’t beat yourself up. It’s a sure way never to get back to your novel and, thus, never to finish. And thus, to die alone in a ditch like the horrible, unloveable person you really are. (Wait, did I need to take it there? Sorry, yes. Yes, I did.)
  2. Don’t take it too easy on yourself, either. Paradoxically, the more you are inclined to cheat by counting brainstorming or making a map of your novel’s physical locations, the less you are actually WRITING and therefore that X on the calendar is pretty meaningless. Sit down, turn off the Internet, and do the work. The WRITING work, not the editing or the mindmapping or the outlining. Write 500 words. Write for 20 minutes. Whatever it takes, but get words on the page.
  3. The outline is never really “done.” You can keep adding stuff, but this is not writing. It’s not contributing to your novel’s word count. In fact, it is slowly chipping away at it every time you decide to add another scene that you don’t really need, but that might be funny. Write the important scenes first, and then go back and fill in the gaps.
  4. Novels are effin’ hard. They’re big, they’re clunky, they’re SO 19th century! Trying to keep all the threads straight is time-consuming and mind-bending. Still, people seem to like reading them, so it’s best to break them down into manageable chunks when writing one. Envision scenes, or chapters, or short stories with the same characters appearing in a linked set. Do what you have to do.
  5. Get the words on the page. That’s really it.

If any of you poor bastards out there are also working on a novel, feel free to tweet me about your experiences @originaloflaura. In the meantime, I’ll be banging my head against the keyboard until the words appear. See you next week, same place, for my GLORIOUS GLOAT-FEST!