Category Archives: Naked Montreal

How to write a novel

How to write a novel

There’s a great post over at Men With Pens today on the subject of writing a novel, entitled “How to Dig Up the Bones of Your Unwritten Novel.” It’s by Graham Strong, who blogs on a daily (!) basis at A Few Strong Words (get it?) about how his novel is progressing. He’s currently on his second draft, so I’m going to have to tune in and see if he’s got helpful hints for me as I finish up my first draft, hopefully by the time Spring hits.

As far as my own novel goes, Naked Montreal has definitely become fun again, thanks to some suggestions from a new writing group I’ve joined (pending their two-meeting approval!), something that was lacking when I was trying to force myself to write too many words per day and really slog through it like some NaNoWriMo-esque word-count challenge.

As Graham mentions, while you should commit to writing every day, you shouldn’t force yourself to write too much every day. He says he wrote only an hour each day on his first draft, which kept him interested in what he was writing and prevented burn-out. You wouldn’t think a writer could burn out on something that’s supposed to be fun, but I think he’s right; if you view the process too much like work, you’ll lose your muse. So keep writing, but don’t overwrite and turn your wild and crazy first draft into something angina-inducing.

Oh, and speaking of inducing angina, my writer friend AV Flox has always used the phrase to describe things that drive her a bit crazy. I always assumed she’d write a book one day called “The Angina Monologues.” So imagine my surprise when I saw this:

Needless to say, she wasn’t pleased when I told her of my discovery. Damn you, South Africa, for stealing AV’s thunder!

Oh, and did you notice this author has another book called “The Karma Suture”? MEMO: The original is called the Kama Sutra and not the Karma Sutra. Playing on “sutra” vs. “suture” as an MD joke works, but mistaking “Kama” for “Karma” just makes you (and your editors, and publisher) look uneducated—and on a very easily Googled title.

So kids, if you want to write a novel, remember 3 things:

  1. Write every day.
  2. Don’t OVERWRITE your first draft.
  3. Clever titles can backfire, so pick one that makes you look subtly brilliant instead. Something like, say, Naked Montreal.

Follow these 3 simple steps and you’ll be on the road to success in no time!

Naked Montreal: The Cocktail

Naked Montreal: The Cocktail

I shall now teach you how to make a Naked Montreal—a drink I have just invented because every great book needs its own cocktail. Particularly when the launch parties begin!

Round up the following ingredients:

  • Frozen Canadian vodka (preferably Polar Ice or Iceberg, although Dan Akroyd’s pricey Crystal Head is also permissable)
  • Cranberry juice
  • Cointreau or Triple Sec
  • Limes

What’s that you say? This is sounding like a Cosmopolitan? That’s because it is… with a twist. Follow these instructions to make the drink properly:

  1. Combine 2 ounces of vodka with 1 ounce of cranberry juice and half an ounce of Cointreau/Triple Sec and a squeeze of lime in a shaker with ice.
  2. Shake vigorously, while making extremely sexual eye-contact with your targeted lover for the evening. Be sure to undress them and fuck them fast and furious with your naked eyeballs as you shake the drink. Let them know they are in for something both sordid and sweet, after which they will be forever changed.
  3. Pour the ingredients slowly and longingly into a “swinger” martini glass, comme ça:
    … and sip your Naked Montreal just slowly enough to intrigue the object of your affections, who will now want one of his or her own.
  4. Make a second cocktail for your lover, allow him or her to consume the drink as you continue your eye-fucking; then, head back to your place (or the nearest alley) for a deliciously dirty shag.

NOTE: If your intended partner for the evening does not return your advances, do not ruin the moment by asking for his or her phone number or making your already obvious intentions “more clear” by asking if they’d like to shag. This would be, as we say in Franglais, totalment inappropriate.

12 girls, 24 titties, 13,537 words

12 girls, 24 titties, 13,537 words

My novel is 27% complete, according to my Scribometer.

Oops, that should read WORDS, not PAGES!

Currently, the plan involves putting a minimum of 500 words on paper per weekday (Mon-Thurs), and 1,500 words on paper per weekend day (Fri-Sun), so I can finish this first draft in a month and a half if I stick with it.

Today I wrote 930 words. And I may go for the glory and do another round after lunch, just to really nail it.

I find meeting a word count so much more satisfying than crossing the day off with an X. I think it’s because when you break the chain, you’re back at zero again, and that is FAR more depressing than having to make up for lost word-counts with extra writing on the day after you slack. Don’t you agree?

For shits & giggles, here’s a quote from what I was working on today:

Out front the bouncer doubles as the guy trying to sweet-talk you big lugs into coming into the club and shelling out your hard-earned cash on some damn dames. His line? “12 girls, 24 titties! Yes, that’s TWENTY-FOUR TITTIES!”

I always wonder what might happen if he yelled “12 girls, TWENTY-FIVE TITTIES!” instead.

Naked Montreal update, 1-14-2011

Naked Montreal update, 1-14-2011

As I said in a forthcoming article I wrote for Peevish Penman, I’ve instituted a personal policy for the new year with regards to my novel, Naked Montreal. In order to see results and learn from my mistakes, I’ve decided to post weekly check-ins to keep myself on track. This constitutes the first of these check-ins, and while I was hoping for a glorious gloat-fest, unfortunately, this was not meant to be.

You see, Dear Reader, I am a hopeless procrastinator when it comes to writing my daily quota of words. Or, perhaps more correctly, I just have far too many projects going on at once. Never one to be pigeonholed into any specific writing niche, genre or set of ideas, I’ve always got multiple writing projects circulating at once. Writing for business vs pleasure; writing for myself vs others; writing blogs vs poetry vs chapters in my novel… the list could go on, but you get the idea.

While I have kept my entries at Don’t Break the Chain up to date, my writing for Naked Montreal has been haphazard at best. See my progress, illustrated in glorious green, below:

Sad. Actually, I was doing pretty well last week, dammit. Why didn’t I start my check-ins then?!

So, yes, this week was a chain-breaking FAIL. Do as I say, not as I do. BUT! Notice that today has been marked off, as I am writing my scenes as soon as I finish this little update. (I swear!)

Some things to keep in mind when noveling, which I have learned from my chain-breaking failures this week:

  1. Don’t beat yourself up. It’s a sure way never to get back to your novel and, thus, never to finish. And thus, to die alone in a ditch like the horrible, unloveable person you really are. (Wait, did I need to take it there? Sorry, yes. Yes, I did.)
  2. Don’t take it too easy on yourself, either. Paradoxically, the more you are inclined to cheat by counting brainstorming or making a map of your novel’s physical locations, the less you are actually WRITING and therefore that X on the calendar is pretty meaningless. Sit down, turn off the Internet, and do the work. The WRITING work, not the editing or the mindmapping or the outlining. Write 500 words. Write for 20 minutes. Whatever it takes, but get words on the page.
  3. The outline is never really “done.” You can keep adding stuff, but this is not writing. It’s not contributing to your novel’s word count. In fact, it is slowly chipping away at it every time you decide to add another scene that you don’t really need, but that might be funny. Write the important scenes first, and then go back and fill in the gaps.
  4. Novels are effin’ hard. They’re big, they’re clunky, they’re SO 19th century! Trying to keep all the threads straight is time-consuming and mind-bending. Still, people seem to like reading them, so it’s best to break them down into manageable chunks when writing one. Envision scenes, or chapters, or short stories with the same characters appearing in a linked set. Do what you have to do.
  5. Get the words on the page. That’s really it.

If any of you poor bastards out there are also working on a novel, feel free to tweet me about your experiences @originaloflaura. In the meantime, I’ll be banging my head against the keyboard until the words appear. See you next week, same place, for my GLORIOUS GLOAT-FEST!

Mapping Naked Montreal

Mapping Naked Montreal

To better help myself visualize the spaces I’m using in my novel, I started adding locations to a private Google map. But then I thought, what the hell? It’s not like these places are well-kept secrets. So I went ahead and made them public.

Click the image to see the map in "real" time

Now you can watch my field of blue push-pins grow as I add new locations to my list, which means new scenes and (hopefully) new pages added to the book!

As always, if you’ve got any suggestions for places that you think are awesome and would like to see in the novel, feel free to let me know. I’m not making any promises, but I’m always a fan of audience participation. You can tweet me @originaloflaura.

15% complete!

15% complete!

Being that I have been at this 500 words a day thing for 11 days straight now, I am happy to report that my goal of 42,000 words or bust is now 15% complete!

This means I am not a total slacker, woohoo!

That seems a bit more impressive than it is, in some ways, and truly unimpressive it others. But I’ll break it down like this:

GOOD:

  • Chipping away at the novel in manageable chunks
  • Writing every day
  • Focusing on the goal, which is a coherent overall story line written in small doses

BAD:

  • I “started” this novel back in, what, April? And I’m only 15% done?!

But really, I only truly started this novel with my 500 words per day goal. So although I am “behind” in the sense that I started planning and thinking about writing this months ago, I’ve only recently truly planted my butt in the chair with the daily intent to get it done.

So I guess that all evens out in the end, right?

If not, you’ll just have to wait a few more months for my masterpiece.

Oh, and by the way, I realized that this is actually a tale involving so much more than sex. Here is the formula:

Punks + classical arteests + wealthy assholes + sexy vixens = MY AWESOME NOVEL!

Dig it. I love how this shit continues to evolve.

42,000 words or bust

42,000 words or bust

My novel is suffering from a case of the hiccups. I’ll start, I’ll stop, I’ll blog, I’ll set it back down, I’ll pick it back up. Idea here. A few hundred words there. Not enough to get the steam whistles blowing and the train really moving down the tracks.

So I’m going to publicly announce my re-entry into Debbie Ridpath Ohi’s 500 words a day challenge, to force myself to be held accountable for my word count. This is a logical amount of words one person can write in a day. It’s not too big, and not too small. Even on the shittiest days, you can write 500 words. And the trick, as Jerry Seinfeld says, is to get out your calendar and put an X through each day you complete the task. But not just that. More important is:

DON’T BREAK THE CHAIN.

You can have all the excuses in the world, but we’ve all got 24 usable hours in every day. Start off with your 500 words in the morning. Do them before bed. Do them in the last hours of the day if you like. But don’t break the chain, or you’re done.

The chain is what keeps you moving forward. 500 words is not the challenge. The challenge is doing it every day. The challenge is not breaking the chain.

So I’ve got my calendar out. I did my 500 words yesterday. I’m doing them today. I’ve got a chain. I’m not going to break it. And you can check my progress in the word count widget on the right hand side of the page to help keep me honest.

I’ve got 12 weeks left in the entire year of 2010 (jeez, can you believe it’s almost over?!). If I write 500 words a day, 7 days a week, for 12 weeks, that’s 42,000 words.

42,000 words or bust. Novel ho!

Ontario kills prostitution law!

Ontario kills prostitution law!

In a majorly awesome announcement today, Ontario’s Superior Court struck down the messy and dangerous prostitution laws that have been on Canada’s books since time immemorial.

Dominatrix Terri-Jean Bedford helped fight the unjust prostitution laws, and is glad to see them finally toppled

As the Globe and Mail put it:

“The ruling means that the law can no longer be enforced in Ontario. If the decision were to be upheld on appeal, it would topple the use of the prostitution provisions across the country.”

Hot diggity damn! Does this mean Quebec (the home province to Sin City of the North, Montreal) could be next to enforce good judgment upon its currently underground city of pimps and prostitutes? We can only hope. Of course, that would make the seedy underbelly that provides the background for my book a thing of the past…

… which would only increase its value as a historical document. Pre-order your copy today to get in on this action!

An open letter to Bill Brownstein

An open letter to Bill Brownstein

In response to today’s article in The Gazette, I just have this to say:

Hey Bill,

Just because La Gazette didn’t cover it last year doesn’t mean there wasn’t much attention paid to the first incarnation of Montreal’s burlesque fest. In fact, I wrote a whole article on the subject as Montreal’s Vixen about town (aka Hour’s younger, sexier Josey Vogels–with far more bite).

Enjoy the tits, tits, tits and ass.

XO,
Laura Roberts

P.S. You can pre-order a copy of my book (which features scenes from the Burlesque Fest, in fictional form), by clicking here.

11 days

11 days

I’m feeling wild and crazy, pent-up, full of excitement and energy, and maybe I’ve just been reading too much about Simenon, but I’ve got to do something.

Something big.

Something… NaNoWriMo or 3-Day Novel Writing Contest big.

I need to finish this novel in 11 days.

One of my Oddities & Inspirations today was an article on the “World’s Most Prolific Novelist,” Georges Simenon. A tweet from @robertbruce caught my eye this morning, reminding me of a Paris Review interview I’d read with the French novelist, who claimed he wrote each of his 400+ novels in just 11 days. Bruce linked me to another interview from Life (1958), which gave some good insights into the man and his methods.

Georges Simenon, from a 1958 Life article (photo by Yves Debraine)

It grabbed my attention. It sparked my imagination.

I’ll be honest: Work on Naked Montreal has stalled lately, because I feel daunted by the task before me. I’ve pushed back the deadline again and again, and it’s bothering me.

I think what I really need to do is go big. Set a deadline of 11 days, and do nothing but live and breathe this draft until it’s done. (And then spend 3 days revising it, à la Simenon.)

What better way to write a book about a French city than by imitating one of France’s most prolific writers?

And is it any coincidence that, including today, there are just 11 days left in September?

Fate speaks, and I listen. Tomorrow, I shall do my drudge work and get it finished, clearing my schedule to begin my 11-day work-week on this novel. No guilt, no remorse, no stopping ’til it’s finished. I need to do what I need to do.

Simenon, lead the way! I shall follow, your faithful pupil.